Hello, it's me.
I'm in California dreaming about who I used to be.
Sea clouds and the starry night on Piuma Road in Malibu.
Photo courtesy of Idriss Njike
I know I haven't posted anything since I've moved out here, but it wasn't because I wanted to or intended to. I just didn't have the words to describe how I was feeling day to day. It was a lot of change for me. Picking up and packing up a life I used to know all too well, and then unpacking all of that was not the easiest for an emotional being like me. I knew that I could not get back into any routine I used to have. I was starting from scratch.
I used to jam to music while photo editing to unwind after a work day, or even be excited to edit my photos. But for the last few months, I was shooting and not looking back at any of it. I have memory cards filled with photographs I've taken these last 6 months that I have not uploaded or sifted through. After work, I just didn't want to stare at a computer screen. I didn't think anything I took was post worthy either. I travelled to Europe back in April and I still have not looked at any of those pictures!
It's like writer's block. Except it was my vision. Blocked.
I still remember the first day that I looked at any photograph, and that was the first week of September, when I finally looked at photos I took when I attempted to capture the milky way. Some serious skill and serious gear is required to get those pretty shots! (Neither of which I have mastered!) Mind you, I took those photos back in August, and I still have 5 more months of material I have not looked at. This was a great start though. I was slowly getting my mojo back.
Someone told me that the reason I stopped shooting was because I didn't love photography enough. That hurt me to hear, even though I knew that was not true. Deep down I know that I find comfort in photography. It is my passion and my hobby. I love it, and at the time I wanted to post or write on my site, but with everything going on in my new life, I was lost and very uncomfortable...busy figuring out me. I knew that I will always have photography to fall back into, but living in the moment now was really important for me. Figuring out these discomforts is what I needed to focus on.
One thing about photography that is both amazing and slightly irking is that when you take photos, you're so addicted to getting the shot that you become trigger happy with it. Sometimes you forget to step back and absorb what is really before you, using the gift of sight you are born with-- your eyes. How beautiful and fortunate we are to have eyes that can see this world in front of us. Because before you can really take a good photograph, you need to be able to see it with your own eyes, feel inspired, and create the work that you are drawn to. At least that has always been the case for me. I couldn't bring myself to like anything I was shooting because I was lost in this new world, lost with myself. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, but as of late I've been able to get my groove back with the help of inspiration.
I left the people I love back home to figure out myself and to chase a dream that I've been dreaming about for a long time. With that came a sacrifice that I feel every single day. But do I ever regret it? Not a single day thus far. There are rough days, sad days, nostalgic days, days that I find myself crying to sleep and not knowing exactly why so much emotion is arising out of my eyes and choking up my throat. But at the end of the day, I wake up and breathe a breath of fresh air and thank Buddha for allowing me to do this journey on my own. I am happy! Really freagin' happy!
And with this quick little update to my visual journal, I sign off without a photograph (that I took) to show you. I just want to let you know that I will be posting again very soon! I will finally be looking through my Europe content, and every random thing I took from sunsets to palm trees and more.
And what exactly helped me get my groove back? All it took was a little visit back home to New York City to see the people, the places, and everything in between that I love most. And for that, I thank you kind special individuals who know exactly who they are. ;)
Hello from the other side!!
With Love from LA,
Laura the Angeleno <3